10 years

1a is probably not the time to write this and do justice to it, but it's on my mind.

See, 10 years ago, yesterday, my younger brother, and only sibling, was killed in a car accident. His name is/was Brad. How weird is that? If I talk about him like he's still alive, people think I'm nuts. The thing is, he is. I mean, someday I'll see him again, right? So how do I refer to him? Ugh. Anyway, let me recap what I remember.

That week was horrible for both me and Msh. In fact, on *that* day, I remember telling Msh that I didn't see how it could get worse. Yeah. Never say that. Anyway, for whatever reason, even though I had a car, Msh took me to work. I was working for the big Wally World, and had only been there about 3 weeks. I had been on the register for just a bit, when they came and got me and said I was needed in the manager's office. "Wow. What did I screw up this time?" I got there, and they told me I had a phone call. I know there were two people in there, but for the life of me, I can't remember who it was. Anyway, Dad was on the other line. "Hey, kiddo. We need to have a family conference." My first thought was, "What has Brad done now?" He then, "I need you to come home." Uh, yeah, no. School, work, life, I don't have time for NC now. "Get your things, come home. Bring church clothes." This was starting to worry me. "What happened?" "Just come home." And, the statement that cinched BAD for me. "Bring Michelle." He wouldn't tell me any more than that. When I hung up, I was starting to cry, and I asked the other girl, "Who is it?" At first she didn't want to tell me, but then she said, "It's your brother." And you know the absolute worse part? I was relieved. Wow. That was really hard to just type. Then, immediate guilt for thinking that. I tried to dial Msh, but my hands were shaking too hard. I remember one of the managers telling me that no matter what I needed, find a Wal Mart and they would take care of me - food, gas, whatever. The 5 hours home, was the longest drive I think I've ever taken. I knew, that whatever was on the other side was bad, but Msh and I joked, laughed, tried to talk about anything and everything other than the "what". I mean, it was my senior year of college - there was a lot going on! When we got to the house, every. single. light. was on. Every light. Closet, halls, you name it. Mom later told me that she kept going around trying to turn off lights, but Dad told her he wanted me to know that they were home. I think it was 10, or later. Anyway, Msh went into the other room while M&D and I talked. They then proceeded to tell me th at he had been killed in a car accident the night before. I reacted as you might think, and then, "I don't have any pantyhose for church!" Isn't it crazy what you think of? Anyway, off to Wal Mart it was. While there, Dad offered to buy Msh and I Dr Pepper. This was a big deal for me - and made me realize that things had just been knocked crazy - my parents have always been very anti-caffeine. Anyway, it was home, and then an attempt to sleep. I told Msh - I wonder how long it'll be before this isn't the first and last thing I think about.

Wow. This could be a long post, and a long story, and I'm going to apologize for it now - but I want to go through it - I want to write it down. So, for those of you who are more into happy, feel good, funny stories, maybe check back in a few days? Otherwise, more tomorrow. And, for my LDS friends/readers, it gets GREAT. I promise.