Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tuesday Evening

It's a late night. I should be taking a shower, and hitting the sack, but I've actually got something on my mind.

When I first joined the squad, I loved everything about it. I spent as much time as I could at the building, and ran every call I possibly could. I was in the top 3 for calls answered for several years. Everyone kept telling me I would burn out, and I couldn't imagine it.

Then, I started dating a guy on the squad. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about him and how I feel/felt, because this is absolutely not the place for it. But, he was my best friend, neighbor, night call partner, and we did LOTS together. The squad, clubs, dinner, walks, just hanging out - lots of time. Our crew was the one that only had two people - it was all that we needed. We knew the other one was going to be there, and quickly developed a good rhythm. I actually looked forward to tones going off because I knew that it meant I got to spend time with him. He had a very dry, sarcastic humor that made even intense situations fun. After a while, things changed. To this day, I still don't know what was going on in his head, but it just about broke me when he gave up night calls. He gave up me, and us. And that, that has been more difficult for me to deal with than I think that anyone really understands. It's been almost 2 years since he left, and it still seems like yesterday. I quit doing things that I had loved doing, simply because they reminded me too much of him.

Lately, though, I've been reminded of how much I do love EMS. The people down there, the arguments, and best of all, knowing that I am helping someone when they believe they need it. The past few nights I've spent at the building helping with various parts of the re-model, and it's been . . . restorative. I'm actually starting to feel like the old "Sheri" again - not the ghost of me that's been holding it together every day. Life is good. Life is better than good. I'm grateful for the reminder of it. I'm actually looking forward to various things planned throughout the summer, not just thinking "If I can just get through _____"

It feels good.